At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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