He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
