if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
