so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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