I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize