My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
