I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
