WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
