I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
