I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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