My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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