our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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