He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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