why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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