Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
