The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
