i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
try to milk me bitch
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