True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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