After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
