some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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