I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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