I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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