My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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