Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
