I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
