My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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