If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I party with great urgency now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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