i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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