It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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