I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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