We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
