just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
