Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Houston, we have a squirter
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
