I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
