The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
