We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
