I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
