Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
