You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
