She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
