If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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