I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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