My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
