Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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