glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You are the jesus of drinking
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
