guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
