I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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