I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
