He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
