Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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