I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
