Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
